I "struck gold"

Tonight as I rubbed a gold tinted lotion over my skin

Something deeper than lotion started to sink in...

I looked at my toes and thought to myself, "those toes are hideous, you'll never wear peep-toe pumps again.."

Then I thought about what those toes and feet had endured,

Running long distances, then marching in formation. Now they act as a platform as my children "fly" on their bellies, through the air. 

As my hands rubbed the goop all over my legs, I thought how skinny and frail they looked, how knobby my knees were and look at that gap!! 

Then I thought about what these legs had done and still do, winning races, and climbing mountains. They act as a jungle gym for my two children. Bearing the weight of my big ol' belly for two full-term pregnancies. 

Speaking of belly, there my hands were, running over that belly button,

Bleh, what an eye sore! 

What once was cute and small and had a little piercing with a cute little jewel, was now all stretched out, floppy and loose. 

Then I thought about what this belly has been before, twice, it has stretched to fit my little babies. I felt them move, hiccup and kick inside my womb. 

I rubbed the lotion around my breasts, 

These breasts are so saggy now, depleted, you might say, for someone at 25, they surely have aged. 

They aren't perky and fun like they used to be, then I thought about what they have done, who they feed. Twice, now a baby was born and popped right onto my boob. First Georgia, now Lucy drinks the life-giving milk that my body produces.

As I glided the lotion over my arms, my thin, bony, skeleton arms, I thought how much different they used to be. 

In a time that seems long ago, they carried weapons and did push-ups. They were more toned, more muscular and much more strong. But then I thought about what they do now.  They've held newborns who have turned into babies and one into a toddler. They rock kiddos to sleep and hold them high so they can reach. Sometimes carrying a car seat and a toddler propped on my hip, my strength has not escaped me. 

I rubbed some lotion over my back, oh that back, that aching back. After a long day, it is so sore and worn, but what that back does all day... It does it all. 

I ran a little over my face, to complete the glow, and as I did, I couldn't help but see, the tired, worn, woman looking back at me. She has aged and she is tired, her eyes are kinda sad. Dark circles under her eyes show signs of sleep that needs to be had.  But what those eyes have seen, what they have watched?! My eyes have watched love and kindness, they have witnessed a spirit leave this mortal life and have watched new life come into the world. I've looked into the eyes of my soul mate, as we committed our love to the eternities and so much more that I can't begin to divulge.

I look down at what, to me, in my mortal eyes, looks likes a waste of a body. A sickly excuse of what a mother should be. No curves, all edges. 

Then I think of this body through eyes of divinity, what purpose this body has. The stress it's under, and it still continues to function. 

In the world, my body is criticized and slighted. 

It is too skinny to some, and to others I am "hated" because they feel their bodies aren't in the shape they feel is fair. 

They say "eat a cupcake", "you look like a 12 year old boy."  

How do I escape this, what can I change?

It's changing my outlook, in order to win. 

When God sees me, He sees His daughter. He sees a daughter to earthly parents and a wife to a chosen son. God sees a Mother to two of His princesses. 

I have been given so much, God has blessed me in so many ways. 

This time will pass and I'll be whole again. My children will grow and my body will, too. I might always have a thigh gap, but it's out of genetics, that I do.

I have to remember, that I am imperfect.  

But as imperfect as this body is, it serves one helluva purpose! 

So often I take this body for granted, forgetting all that it has done and all that it does. I am so blessed to have this body. God knows what he's doing. I have to lose the thought of what everyone thinks in order to see my body in a way that is positive. Also, next time I want a golden glow, I'm getting a spray tan!

 

 

The Good Wife

This little lady has been missing her significant other, and it has got me thinking lots about marriage and love and all things mushy gushy, lovey dovey! So I figured I’d write about it!! The other day, an article was floating around Facebook about what used to be expected of women in like the 50’s or something like that.  It was pretty interesting, but it was also a little eye opening.

When Cade married me, he knew I wasn’t a good cook, he knew I was a little (lotta) bit crazy, and he knew I liked to sleep in till like one in the afternoon.  There wasn’t much that changed when we moved in together.  I tried a little more to keep a tidy home.  I worked a little harder at having dinner ready or at least started when he was home.  Cade didn’t expect any of these things from me though.  He never said anything about it to me or made any comments when dinner wasn’t ready or started, or any thing like that!  Looking at that article and thinking about my relationship, I couldn’t help but think how nice it would be to try some of those SUPER traditional things every once and a while.. Here were a few of my favorites and my thoughts on how I’d like to incorporate them into our life once we are together again!

“Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so you’ll be refreshed when he arrives.  Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh-looking.  He has just been with a lot of work-weary people.” This one is kinda easy for me, since I love getting dressed most mornings! I just think it is a nice idea to take a little minute to, maybe not rest, but touch up my make-up, change my shirt if it is covered in snot, straighten up my hair.. not anything crazy.  I think this little step alone would make Cade feel special.

“Clear away the clutter.  Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives.”  BAH! This one will probably be a little tougher for me! I usually just wait till the kids are in bed to clean the house up, but maybe if I could have a basket that I throw everything in until the kids go to bed or something like that, it would just be nice to have the common area cleaned up when Cade got home.  I know I like coming home to a cleaned up home, and I’m sure Cade would too.  This would just be nice to be able to have a little less clutter visible.

“Be happy to see him.”  I know how easy it is, even over the phone, to let out ALLLL the things that bothered me that day, but sometimes I think it would be nice to try and be happy when Cade got home/when he called.  I know that this won’t happen every day… because you know.. some days are just crazier than others.  When I think about it, I’d like to make this a priority.

“Your goal: Try to make sure your home is a place of peace, order and tranquility where your husband can renew himself in body and spirit.”  This one is a little more old fashioned, but I thought this would be nice to apply to the whole family.  In my religion, having the home a place of peace and love and a safe haven is very much a common goal.  I would love it if when anyone enters into our home, they feel peace and love, especially my family. 

Here are a couple of the expectations that I found pretty amusing...

This was the end to one about making a fire for him when it is colder.."After all, catering for his comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction" haha I couldn't help but giggle at this one, I definitely feel that doing things for my husband makes me happy, but I am not there to serve him.  We are partners in our relationship.

"Listen to him.  You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time.  Let him talk first-- remember, his topics of conversation are more important than yours."  It actually hurt me to write this one out! Oh my goodness, NO, we are both equally important!

"A good wife always knows her place."  I for reals LOLed!! WOW! This really shows how times have changed! It is crazy the difference of views from then to now! I am so grateful it I am not looked at like this anymore, and that I am an equal partner.  Cade and I both "wear the pants".

Keep in mind, this article was really old, and would probably cause a bit of controversy.  It is not always realistic, that is for sure.  I am very glad that list isn’t something that is honestly expected of me right now.  I love my leggings and topknots way too much! ;) Being away from my husband has made me appreciate him more and all that he is doing to support me and our family.  I am very blessed to be able to stay home with our girls, and I think showing Cade how much I appreciate it would be very beneficial for our marriage!  What little things do you do to show your significant other that you love them?  Do you think these are good ideas? Would you choose one of these to try? I’d LOVE to hear your thoughts!! XOXO britt

 

 

HAHA This is totally me right now! Also, who else loves these ecards?!
 

 The article from 1955...

Let It Go

I feel like I can truly say I have learned to Let It Go, since living in my approximately 120 sq. ft. room in my parent's house.  We have never had a lot of things, and I think living here has just confirmed that I don't really like having a lot of things.  I love how cozy we are and how easy it is to tidy up.  Because I love how easy it is to clean up so much "stuff" on the outside, I have been thinking about ways to help myself live a little less stressed out, and a little more care-free on the inside.  What ways can I more easily clean up the "stuff" going on in my mind?  Here are some things I have found that help me out a little.

When something feels “heavy”, LET IT GO!  When it comes to clothing or an object in my life, I find this is a really easy concept, because for me, I need light and upward movement.  When something feels like it is weighing me down, I let it go.  Some examples of things that weigh down my mind are, comparing myself with others, stressing about things that are out of my control, saying “yes” to too many things, not being true to myself in any decision, and when I put someone down (even if it is just in my mind).  Ways I have found to lift this heaviness is, prayer, FIRST! The One who can lift my burdens, is the One who has already taken them through the Garden.  The next thing I do is get rid of it.  I like to think I have a little trashcan in my brain, kinda like on the computer, and when I don’t like the thought or the feeling, I “click” on it and move it to the trashcan.   And third, I sing/listen to a fun song! The other day I started to feel “heavy” and when I got in the car to go somewhere, Poker Face by Lady Gaga came on.  I turned it up crazy loud and just sang and danced and I looked like a crazy woman, but I felt SO good after!!

When things start to get cluttered, LET IT GO!  I HATE CLUTTER! Like, seriously, I do.  But, um, I make a lot of it… Cade calls me the “pile queen” because I just move piles around the house.  When I clean, I make piles.  I don’t know what it is! Haha!! Anyways, I hate clutter, so when I get too many piles going on the outside and on the “inside” I start to pick at a pile.  In my mind, stressing about too many things or having too many things going on creates some piles.  I’ve found that to sit down and make a list helps me to clean out those piles quickly and efficiently.  I see the things that I am stressing about and realize what I can control and what I can’t.   When I see what I can control, I can start finding a solution/figure out a different schedule/start working on that project, etc.,.  The same helps me on the outside.  I just pick a pile and start cleaning it.  

And lastly, when things just seem too overwhelming, and trying to clean the clutter, stop the noise, or you just can’t LET GO right then… LET GO and GO TO TARGET! HAHA or wherever you feel fun and happy.  I usually like to treat myself with something small, a diet coke and a t-shirt or new razors.  (A new razor, and a good grooming, always makes me feel like a new woman ;)  

It isn’t always easy to let go or downsize, but there is definitely a freeing effect when you do.  I don’t have it all figured out, obviously, and I find myself at Target a lot more than I’d like to admit.  When I do practice what I preach, I find that I can be a better wife, a better mom, and a better me.  "What are some ways you "Let It Go"? I'd love to hear some other strategies!!

XOXO britt 

More Love

Becoming a mother is the most crazy, unreal, incredibly real thing I've ever done.  When I had Georgia, I kept looking at her and thinking, "are you really mine?? Did Cade and I really make this little human?? How did I ever love before this??"  She would look at me and the world around me would disappear.  She made me a mother.  She paved the way.  Georgia was my first everything when it comes to motherhood.  I didn't even want another baby until she was about nine months old.  That might seem soon, now that I think about it, but whatever.  I had a solid ten months of just she and I (and Cade of course, ;)

When Georgia was about 10 months old, I got pregnant with our second child.  I didn’t know what it was then, but I was pregnant! Georgia was no longer the only child.  Nine months later, we had Lucy Sue.  While laboring during transition, with Lucy, I started to feel guilty for bringing another baby into the world so quickly.  Did we give Georgia enough time to be with us? Would she resent us for bringing home a new baby?  Was it selfish of us to have another one so close? Would I be able to love another baby as much as I loved Georgia? (In my mind at the time, these were all very much valid questions to ask myself).  After having her, those worries disappeared and my heart grew to fit all the love I had for each of these girls. 

Looking back on my days spent with Georgia and how I spend my days with Georgia and Lucy now, I, again, can’t help to feel guilty..  Because I had these cuties so close together, I don’t find the time to have quiet moments with Lucy.  Our mornings aren’t quite as smooth and quiet and slow to start as they were with Georgia.  Time has slipped so much faster through my fingers, and I am scared that I have lost something with Lucy that I have with Georgia.  Maybe that is just how it goes… But I don’t like it.  I never wished for time to slow down with Georgia, because each day was filled with just her! Those “firsts” were easily noticed and time seems to have dilly-dallied just a little more with her.  Now with Lucy, she is about five and a half months old and time has literally been on a sprint! She is doing so much! So is Georgia!! She is TWO! I don’t know how that happened either!  Where did the time go? Did I use it right??

I sit here and think of all the ways I could have, would have, and should have, and I have to stop myself.  I can’t think about that.  I can think about how wonderful each day spent with each of these girls has been and how I can better use my time with them today.  I can think of ways to fill the time of each day with more of them.  More watching them.  More listening to them.  More hugs.  More kisses.  More grins. More giggles.  I can’t spend my time feeling guilty; instead, I can feel grateful for the different experiences and the lessons I’ve learned in motherhood so far.  Georgia will always be my first, she will always have my firsts, but Lucy gets a road that might not be as bumpy and a mother that is more learned.  We can be better today and we can be better tomorrow! We can change the time we spend in future, not the time that has already been spent. Has guilt like this ever trapped you?  Have you found a balance? I would love to hear your story! XOXO britt 

#TBH

Hey Friends, I just can't post what I was going to post today.. While going through photos, trying to find a background for my quote, I scrolled over images from my deployment three years ago.  All of a sudden I was overcome with emotion and I started to cry.  Nothing about today has been sad.  We had a relaxing morning, I'm wearing a cute outfit, the girls have been great and we even had a great Target trip!  It has really been a great day!  Why, then, did I have this reaction?  Luckily, my dad was home and saw me have this little break down.  He, like most veterans, has those things that set him off, so he told me about some of them.  I didn't think those photos would bring up so much raw emotion.  I felt vulnerable, weak and sad.  Those were all feelings I felt while deployed.

When I joined the military, I was ready to risk it all for my country.  I was 18, just graduated high school and boot camp was a blast for me!  (It isn't really supposed to be a fun thing... but I can make pretty much any situation I'm in, fun...most of the time)  I loved everything the Army stood for!  Little did I know that I was risking my mental health.  A couple years passed and a deployment came up for my unit.  THAT was exciting! Getting ready was full of training, constantly learning new things, being warned of different dangers and running through a billion "what if" scenarios.  The time came to board the bus, to board the plane, to leave.. It was a sad time and leaving my husband was not going to be a good time, but we were ready, it was a season in our life, and we were going to get through it!

During the deployment, I was constantly harassed by my fellow soldiers (this was in Texas, where we were doing some more training before actually leaving the country).  I had moved up in rank quite quickly, and my male counterparts were not respectful of the rank I had.  These soldiers were hostile towards me and made me feel as though I was not safe if alone with them (which I would be).  Being the only female in my platoon was already a challenge, and for a little while I made excuses for them, telling myself that it wasn't me, it was them.  They were the ones with the problem. After a couple months of this behavior, I began to believe it was me.  I didn't feel human anymore.

I confronted my leadership and was moved to a different section in the unit, I had a female battle buddy and things started to look up.  When we left for Afghanistan, I thought I was good.  But I wasn't.  Depression started to take over.  Between the stress and the harassment, I went into a very dark place.  I didn't sleep, I became extremely paranoid and anxiety ruled over me everyday.  I started to question whether or not being my existence on the earth meant anything to anyone.  Being so far away from anyone who truly cared for me, made the answer to that question a solid, "no" (in my mind).  I began to plan.

Luckily, my battle buddy could tell something was not right.  After seeing a therapist, there in Afghanistan it became clear, I could not continue like this.  At the same time, Obama had decided to "draw down" the people deployed, so I was sent home.  The depression didn't stop upon leaving Afghanistan.  I continued to see a therapist and after several months I started to feel better and the darkness became more light.

NOW, today, right now, I sit surrounded by people who love me and care for me.  I have carried two beautiful baby girls within my womb, and the man I love is texting me.  I have a Heavenly Father who watches over me and a Savior who died for me.  I don't know why I had to see those pictures to be reminded of these things, but I did.  I am so grateful.  Sometimes we need to be revisited by our past to make us appreciate who we have become and how far we have come.  I can find peace in the past because my future is bright and filled with love.  I don't get dark, hardly ever and I hope that you can see that I have found the light in the darkness I felt.  I really truly believe that all things are for our good, and there is truly a plan for each of us.  You are beautiful and you are worth more than earthly thing, because you have the divinity that comes with being a daughter of a Heavenly King.  XOXO britt

 This is a photo of a sunset in Afghanistan, over the FOB             This was a couple weeks ago.

To Fail to Fit

Written by Brittany 

Have you ever felt like you were a “misfit”?  Like you just didn’t fit?  I have felt like that A LOT in my life.  I was never “the popular” girl, the girl all the guys wanted to date, the girl who knew how to dress, who was up-to-date on all the latest gossip… that just wasn’t me.  I was never “the sporty” girl, the one who was always winning a game, or beating the rivals… that just wasn’t me.  All the things, I just wasn’t… Even now, as a mother, I am not the mom that has the super clean house, or the mom that has dinner ready every night, or even the mom that bakes!! I am just some of those things some of the time… I have always been a little of everything.  It always upset me to never be really great at just one thing.  I never excelled at something in such a way that I was known for it.  Now, I don’t mean to say that I need recognition, or maybe I do… I don’t know, all I know is that I have always wondered why I didn’t fit anywhere.  I often questioned why God had made me this way.    Why did he make me different? Why can’t I be good at something? Why don’t I fit in?    

The other day I was watching a PBS show on “misfit” animals. It was so amazing, to me, to watch these seemingly, “misfit” animals, totally fit in where they were! In these places where they shouldn’t fit, God had helped them to fit, to evolve and change to fit in just perfectly! As I continued to watch, I saw this flightless parrot in New Zealand, seemingly out of place, be right at home…  the documentary then mentioned that there were no ground predators.   I thought to myself, “well, doesn’t he have the easy life! No one there to hunt him or hurt him, no wonder he is able to survive and their numbers are going up..”   I thought it wasn’t fair to every other animal out there, every other animal has its struggles,  “its ground predators”, why were the animals in New Zealand special? 

I started to think about myself.  I started to think about how much easier life would be if I would have just been born with this obvious destiny?! How much easier would it have been if growing up, I just always fit in?  What would I be like now??  I thought back to different times in my life when I didn’t fit in, where those times shaped me and changed me.  I thought about the times, since becoming a mother, that I compared myself to other moms who had it all together, who it seemed they never encountered any “ground predators” in their life.  I thought about where I was looking for acceptance. Then I thought about Christ. 

Of all the people who have lived on the Earth, Christ is the most well known for being different.  I mean, for obvious reasons, but just bear with me… Christ was conceived immaculately, immediately making Him an easy target for ridicule.  From a young age He already knew His purpose on the earth and could be found teaching in the temples and churches, while other kids His age ran around and hit each other with sticks.  (Obviously I’m assuming male 12 year olds run around and hit each other with sticks…) Anyways, He was always serving others, humbling Himself constantly, and always keeping His focus on His Divine Duty.  If for no other reason was He born to be the most awesome example. No one can question that. BUT He was different.  He was a “misfit” in the eyes of man and man ultimately took His life. 

I have come to the conclusion that there is no way that anyone on this earth can be a “misfit” because God did not create us to fail.  He created us to succeed! He created us to be happy! He created us to have joy!  In a world where we are so wrapped up in whether or not we fit in, we need to remember the one sure thing; we are Daughters of God.  We have a Divine Nature.  We aren’t failing to fit; we fit perfectly because this is where God has planted us.   XOXO Britt