Wednesday, October 28, 2015

More Love

Becoming a mother is the most crazy, unreal, incredibly real thing I've ever done.  When I had Georgia, I kept looking at her and thinking, "are you really mine?? Did Cade and I really make this little human?? How did I ever love before this??"  She would look at me and the world around me would disappear.  She made me a mother.  She paved the way.  Georgia was my first everything when it comes to motherhood.  I didn't even want another baby until she was about nine months old.  That might seem soon, now that I think about it, but whatever.  I had a solid ten months of just she and I (and Cade of course, ;)

When Georgia was about 10 months old, I got pregnant with our second child.  I didn’t know what it was then, but I was pregnant! Georgia was no longer the only child.  Nine months later, we had Lucy Sue.  While laboring during transition, with Lucy, I started to feel guilty for bringing another baby into the world so quickly.  Did we give Georgia enough time to be with us? Would she resent us for bringing home a new baby?  Was it selfish of us to have another one so close? Would I be able to love another baby as much as I loved Georgia? (In my mind at the time, these were all very much valid questions to ask myself).  After having her, those worries disappeared and my heart grew to fit all the love I had for each of these girls. 

Looking back on my days spent with Georgia and how I spend my days with Georgia and Lucy now, I, again, can’t help to feel guilty..  Because I had these cuties so close together, I don’t find the time to have quiet moments with Lucy.  Our mornings aren’t quite as smooth and quiet and slow to start as they were with Georgia.  Time has slipped so much faster through my fingers, and I am scared that I have lost something with Lucy that I have with Georgia.  Maybe that is just how it goes… But I don’t like it.  I never wished for time to slow down with Georgia, because each day was filled with just her! Those “firsts” were easily noticed and time seems to have dilly-dallied just a little more with her.  Now with Lucy, she is about five and a half months old and time has literally been on a sprint! She is doing so much! So is Georgia!! She is TWO! I don’t know how that happened either!  Where did the time go? Did I use it right??

I sit here and think of all the ways I could have, would have, and should have, and I have to stop myself.  I can’t think about that.  I can think about how wonderful each day spent with each of these girls has been and how I can better use my time with them today.  I can think of ways to fill the time of each day with more of them.  More watching them.  More listening to them.  More hugs.  More kisses.  More grins. More giggles.  I can’t spend my time feeling guilty; instead, I can feel grateful for the different experiences and the lessons I’ve learned in motherhood so far.  Georgia will always be my first, she will always have my firsts, but Lucy gets a road that might not be as bumpy and a mother that is more learned.  We can be better today and we can be better tomorrow! We can change the time we spend in future, not the time that has already been spent. Has guilt like this ever trapped you?  Have you found a balance? I would love to hear your story! XOXO britt 

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