Wednesday, October 21, 2015

#TBH

Hey Friends, I just can't post what I was going to post today.. While going through photos, trying to find a background for my quote, I scrolled over images from my deployment three years ago.  All of a sudden I was overcome with emotion and I started to cry.  Nothing about today has been sad.  We had a relaxing morning, I'm wearing a cute outfit, the girls have been great and we even had a great Target trip!  It has really been a great day!  Why, then, did I have this reaction?  Luckily, my dad was home and saw me have this little break down.  He, like most veterans, has those things that set him off, so he told me about some of them.  I didn't think those photos would bring up so much raw emotion.  I felt vulnerable, weak and sad.  Those were all feelings I felt while deployed.

When I joined the military, I was ready to risk it all for my country.  I was 18, just graduated high school and boot camp was a blast for me!  (It isn't really supposed to be a fun thing... but I can make pretty much any situation I'm in, fun...most of the time)  I loved everything the Army stood for!  Little did I know that I was risking my mental health.  A couple years passed and a deployment came up for my unit.  THAT was exciting! Getting ready was full of training, constantly learning new things, being warned of different dangers and running through a billion "what if" scenarios.  The time came to board the bus, to board the plane, to leave.. It was a sad time and leaving my husband was not going to be a good time, but we were ready, it was a season in our life, and we were going to get through it!

During the deployment, I was constantly harassed by my fellow soldiers (this was in Texas, where we were doing some more training before actually leaving the country).  I had moved up in rank quite quickly, and my male counterparts were not respectful of the rank I had.  These soldiers were hostile towards me and made me feel as though I was not safe if alone with them (which I would be).  Being the only female in my platoon was already a challenge, and for a little while I made excuses for them, telling myself that it wasn't me, it was them.  They were the ones with the problem. After a couple months of this behavior, I began to believe it was me.  I didn't feel human anymore.

I confronted my leadership and was moved to a different section in the unit, I had a female battle buddy and things started to look up.  When we left for Afghanistan, I thought I was good.  But I wasn't.  Depression started to take over.  Between the stress and the harassment, I went into a very dark place.  I didn't sleep, I became extremely paranoid and anxiety ruled over me everyday.  I started to question whether or not being my existence on the earth meant anything to anyone.  Being so far away from anyone who truly cared for me, made the answer to that question a solid, "no" (in my mind).  I began to plan.

Luckily, my battle buddy could tell something was not right.  After seeing a therapist, there in Afghanistan it became clear, I could not continue like this.  At the same time, Obama had decided to "draw down" the people deployed, so I was sent home.  The depression didn't stop upon leaving Afghanistan.  I continued to see a therapist and after several months I started to feel better and the darkness became more light.

NOW, today, right now, I sit surrounded by people who love me and care for me.  I have carried two beautiful baby girls within my womb, and the man I love is texting me.  I have a Heavenly Father who watches over me and a Savior who died for me.  I don't know why I had to see those pictures to be reminded of these things, but I did.  I am so grateful.  Sometimes we need to be revisited by our past to make us appreciate who we have become and how far we have come.  I can find peace in the past because my future is bright and filled with love.  I don't get dark, hardly ever and I hope that you can see that I have found the light in the darkness I felt.  I really truly believe that all things are for our good, and there is truly a plan for each of us.  You are beautiful and you are worth more than earthly thing, because you have the divinity that comes with being a daughter of a Heavenly King.  XOXO britt

 This is a photo of a sunset in Afghanistan, over the FOB             This was a couple weeks ago.



2 comments:

  1. Hey battle, this was nice to read. I wanted to be there for you but I didn't know how. Especially with my marital problems. After I got home I experienced depression for the first time and found a new understanding for what you went through. When your in a dark place it's really hard to find your way out. We lost touch after deployment, I thought maybe you thought I didn't support you, so reading this gave me some peace. Because even though we have lost touch I consider you my battle buddy for life.

    In fact I was making myself a peanut butter honey and banana sandwich the other day and started laughing. Thinking about the time we were out in the field and I didn't plan any food and I was starving and you shared with me every morning. That was so nice of you and the little things like that make you feel like your not alone! :)

    I am so happy that you have found happiness!

    -Blue

    ReplyDelete
  2. Hey battle, this was nice to read. I wanted to be there for you but I didn't know how. Especially with my marital problems. After I got home I experienced depression for the first time and found a new understanding for what you went through. When your in a dark place it's really hard to find your way out. We lost touch after deployment, I thought maybe you thought I didn't support you, so reading this gave me some peace. Because even though we have lost touch I consider you my battle buddy for life.

    In fact I was making myself a peanut butter honey and banana sandwich the other day and started laughing. Thinking about the time we were out in the field and I didn't plan any food and I was starving and you shared with me every morning. That was so nice of you and the little things like that make you feel like your not alone! :)

    I am so happy that you have found happiness!

    -Blue

    ReplyDelete